Anxiety: Exercise in Style

Going through the worst period of anxiety in my life, and writing the same journal entry 7 times in 7 different ways.

The last few weeks of my unemployment have been an immense struggle.

I wake up with an intense pain in my chest, a feeling like my heart is being gripped by a monster. I try breathing through it as much as I can while my mind races about all the stressors in my life.

I haven’t started my new job yet. I don’t have health insurance yet. I lack the confidence to carry on doing anything. I’m anxious to even leave my house. I want to sleep through all the extra time in the day, but sleep evades me.

My loved ones try to remind me that I am making progress. I got my driver’s license. I do yoga every day. I keep looking for work. I keep writing.

I just recently got a job offer tutoring students for the SAT and ACT. Before my interview, I was a nervous wreck. The math sections in particular worried me. When it came time to discuss a problem related to calculating angles in intersecting quadrilaterals, I walked through the problem in the same way I had 3 or 4 times in preparation for the demo.

“You did well,” said the interviewer, “Most people try to calculate the smaller quadrilateral instead of the larger one like you did.” Little did he know that I before that moment, I was having small panic attacks doing every math problem.

But something in me says it’s not enough. I’m planning to reject the offer, as I don’t think I can pass the Math section to a high enough level to continue.

Despite my new license, I’m terrified to drive anywhere, let alone travel.

My husband and I had a flight to New Orleans recently that was meant as a Christmas gift to ourselves. The first thing that panicked me was the terror attack on Bourbon Street on New Year’s Eve. I nearly asked to cancel the trip.

“It’ll now be one of the safest places to visit,” said my mother, “Don’t worry.”

But worry I did. I used to never get anxiety about flying. I used to be a world traveler, never a care in the world about being in a plane. But this time, I was nervous.

I told myself every step was a victory against my anxiety. Getting to the airport. Getting to the check in counter. Getting through security. Getting on the plane. I did it. Every step was a fight against my own body and mind.

Every day of the trip, I congratulated myself for leaving the hotel room. I made it through two museum visits. I made it through a walk in Jackson Square. I made it through lunch at Napoleon House. I made it to the Spotted Cat jazz bar. I made it to some live music on Bourbon Street.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed myself. The anxiety ebbed and flowed. But it was there, lurking.

I’ve never experienced this type of anxiety in my whole life. I blame the world that we live in.

I can’t turn on the news anymore. We’re about to enter 4 years of American Fascism. Every news story is of death and destruction, a world hostile to all regular folks trying to live in it. It makes me confront my own mortality. I can barely stand to think of it.

I used to enjoy watching political commentators on YouTube. Now, I tune out. It sounds like many Americans have done the same since the election, nearly two thirds. I barely find enjoyment in my favorite podcasts like How Did This Get Made? anymore.

I know that positive thinking is the only cure for what I’m feeling. I want to stay positive. That’s why I keep writing. Writing lets out all my ideas into a concrete thing.

Recently, I have been delving into Raymond Queneau’s Exercises de style, a book where Queneau retells the same story of taking the S bus 99 times in different styles.

Inspired by this idea, I decided to take one of my journal entries from China and try to do the same. This entry is from my second year in China.

Travel, See The World (Dec. 14th, 2015)

I have always wanted to get out and see the world. However, I find myself so tired. The thought of going anywhere, having to leave the house and adjust, makes me so tired. I’m afraid. Afraid I will never want to travel again. Afraid I will never leave China. I don’t know what I want anymore other than my energy. I want to get through a day without needing to lay down and breathe. I want to be able to go out without feeling like it’s time for bed. I can’t imagine being in bed my whole life, but I don’t know what I even want to see in the world. Where do I want to go? How will I go through this all again? I am so young, but I feel so old. My body feels so old. My mind feels like it’s been put through everything possible. I don’t know if I can put myself through any more of this. I want to, but I don’t know if I can take it. Everything is aching. I want to get better. I want everything to get better. I want to cross off more countries on my list. I want to live an amazing life. But if I cannot get rid of this lethargy, I cannot do it. I will wither. I don’t know what else to do. I will keep myself locked away until I can wake up.

Iambic Pentameter

I always yearned to see the world at large.

I find myself so tired, so worn out.

The thought of going anywhere is sad,

To have to leave the house, adjusting there.

I’m scared, afraid I’ll never want again

To go outside my cozy warm abode.

Afraid I’ll never leave the sweetness here

Of China, of the orient once more.

A day without the need to breathe and rest,

I want to be alive outside of bed.

My whole life be under covers not.

To go where? wonder I, to move once more

Experience the world once more I must.

My mind and body are old souls at once.

Put through all trials of life I have been thus.

Can I go through it all again? I guess.

All the body aches, I want my health.

To want all to be joyous, free, and lost.

So many countries on one global map

So lethargy must move me out of here.

I yearn to live a graceful, healthy life,

But I cannot without leaving the room.

I shall wake up, out from the lockèd door.

Haiku

Worlds expanding out

China makes me lethargic

Push against the dread

Exclamations!

Get out and see the world! Don’t be tired! Don’t be afraid! Don’t be scared to travel again, to leave China again! Know what you want: your energy! Get through a day without needing to lay down and breathe! Go out without feeling like it’s time for bed! Don’t be in bed forever! Choose where you want to go! You will get through this again! Feel young and old all at once! Put your body and mind through everything once more! You can take it! Everything is aching! Get better! Make everything better! Cross more countries off the list! Live an amazing life! Don’t wither! Don’t lock yourself away until the exhaustion consumes you!

One-Word

World. Exhaustion. Fear. Travel. Energy. Breathe. Bed. Go. Young. Old. Body. Mind. Ache. Better. Go. Wither. Sleep.

Metaphor

The rabbit popped her head out of her hole. She woke up from a deep slumber. The thought of seeing the sun again was challenging. She grew tired of the monotony in her hole. Down in her hole, she could conserve her energy for the winter nights. She breathed rapidly under ground, excited to pop up, but afraid. She was not ready to run across the snow-covered fields once more. Will she ever be ready for the chase, to discover new vegetables to chomp? To go through the motions once more, to find new snowy, dead grass to saunter through. She’s so old yet so spritely. She doesn’t know if she can take it. Her body aches from the long rest. She is ready for the new day, but unsure how far out she can bound into undiscovered country. For now, she pops her head back inside the hole, afraid to turn away from restful sleep.

Telegraphic

MUST GO OUT TO SEE WORLD STOP I AM TIRED STOP AFRAID I WILL NEVER LEAVE CHINA STOP MUST BREATHE STOP BODY AND MIND FIGHT AGAINST ME STOP WANT TO GET OUT STOP WANT AMAZING LIFE BUT CAN’T GET OUT OF BED STOP

Epic

The world is an open space

But my heart is closed to it

Oh Muse, grant me the strength

To leave this bed and explore it.

Grant me the energy to breath

To open my soul to the outside

I have been hurt by it before

How, Muse, will I be spurred on again?

Youth and age are comingled in me

Everything is pain

Oh Muse, make me better

I wish to explore the many nations

This planet has to offer

But if I am too weary

I will wither on the vine

Let me stay locked away

Until your siren call

Pulls me again